Editors' Pick: Working Beauty
Editor’s Note: This story takes the form of a sms conversation between two parties, who for clarity I'll label 1 and 2.
1: Had another one today...
2: LOL, what was it this time?
1: Straight through the window - like I'm impressed they didn't take the stairs.
2: FFS, why they don't see the moat of lava and the angry swarm of hornets I've trained to chase them and just think "Maybe this girl doesn't want unexpected guests" IDK.
1: I know right? There's only so much you can do after building a thorn maze to say "Keep out".
1: Wait, my guy had a blue shield and a white flag and very burnt nose. Kind of whiny?
2: Omg, SO whiny. How'd you manage to avoid him?
1: Well I was so exhausted after that grant application deadline recently that I just pretended to be asleep. Would not recommend - it only encourages them apparently.
2: Srsly? Idiot. Like if you really needed rescuing you're hardly going to be snoozing the moment you're actually being saved.
1: How did you get rid of them? Let them down gently?
2: If I try that method they think I'm disorientated and try to mansplain what's happend to me. I've tried doing the whole "crazy evil witch routine" but ran out of black eyeliner. I need an information video for when they break through my defence barriers.
1: OMG, video is a great idea - could be like "this evil spinning wheel has possessed them, and she can only be saved if you spend a year in the desert reading Germaine Greer".
2: Hahaha - awesome! I blame mother, she's always telling random knights at the market about her "eldest unmarried daughter" and sets up these quests with their mothers and the whole thing is just ridiculous.
1: I know, the worst for me is that after all the torment, not only do they find out I'm a confident, independent, mortgage-free castle-owner, but that I'm a guy.